w3iqiang

This morning, as I was struggling out of bed (since my flu broke out last night), I received the news that Alfred had left us. It was quite unexpected as he was looking fine and healthy when I saw him around August last year. Rest in peace Alfred and I will remember you as the always cheerful guy in NACC.

Today is the release of my result for this sem. I had already prepared for the worse. Which is to quit school if it is too jia lat. The alarm rings and the first thing i saw on my hp was the nus sms. My heart starts to pump harder. Really damn long never felt this since the forex days. Seemed that nothing excites me anymore since then. As my heart pumped harder, I was damn awake immediately.

As usual, I quickly cover the sms display with my fingers, slowly peeked word by word, damn weird, the results wasnt as bad as I thought but it wasn't fantastic enough to pull up my CAP much. But still, it's gd enough as my objective is just to do my best and continue to next sem as long as my CAP does not decrease much. Now that I had overcome this sem. It's time to chiong for my devastating FYP. Hopefully miracle will bestow upon me through my extreme commitment to it. Now the objective have changed a little. There's a saying that goes. "the more it wants me to die, the more I will survive". This will be the constant reminder for myself from now on till I grad. No matter how many setbacks and how much time needed, I will not give up and I will put in more to try overcoming it.   
Luck pls come to me so that from now onwards, all my experiments are going to succeed. It was really tough ever since FYP started. But come to think of it, if it's not tough, I wouldn't be learning and thinking like a scientist. I will still be just a guy who is interested in reading science and not knowing anything about doing science.

Yup those who happen to be reading my mostly negative posts and you happen to be facing many setbacks too, let's just keep trying since not many were born a genius who can do everything right from the start!

This exam was really different as I had very little time to prepare and I was sleeping so little everyday. Can really feel the fatigue and ever since my sis fainted once, my dad was so concern with the rest of us. I know I had been leading a damn hectic lifestyle for the past 3 years.

Come to think of it, I was really busy when I was in poly too. But maybe because there's exercising involved so I was like healthier or something. Don't look so pale and skinny like now.

Honestly, I think I can feel the fatigue and the stress in the body although the mind is still very determined to continue.

The exam is over but sad to hear that my experiment didn't work out again. I guess the stress from a prolonged period of failures can also build up to cause me insomnia unknowingly (I didnt realised it since I dont normally sleep much most of the time. But when I tried to give time for sleep, that's when I realised I am having insomnia. But I think it's not those serious type as I still sleeps and not stayed up all night). But of course it's still far away from the stress encountered in stocks and esp forex lol.  

Dad was nagging again to ask me to stop whatever I am juggling as my body cannot make it anymore. But I think I just have to readjust a bit again on my schedule. Hope my body can get more rest out of it. I still have to take my ippt but lucky it's cat y now. Hope still can pass. Alright time to read a paper before I sleep. 

Sian, I was thinking of scoring today's paper since the other module is really a hard one. Even the CAs are hard and subjective.  If my grades really cmi, I'll just quit school by then and get a job. The consolation will be only wasting one sem's school fees rather than 2. I took about 5 hrs to recover from it. Now it's time to start preparation for last exam of this sem. But before I do that, let me post this as a reminder for myself as well as anyone who is reading this. 

Again, I've read something just before the exam and remember it wrongly and eventually not writing that chunk of the things that I had read prior to exam. Worse, I had sacrificed the first ten minutes to read it before i enter the exam hall. The only thing that was rmb wrongly was that this process is supposed to answer the question to axonopathy but I rmb it as myelinopathy. And thus I did not pen down anything for that part. If only I just heck and write it down since I've nothing else to write. But I'm glad that at least I try to fill up somethings for all the question before being late for 10 mins. In life or in my life, things are always not heading the way that I want it to be and there is no way I turn back time.

Logically, I should start to prepare for my next exam as nothing can be done. Emotionally I am just slightly depressed instead of being damn pissed. I know I had tried my best to rmb all the stuffs, but I do know that I am not competent enough to memo them all. Shit happens and I had sort of learn to accept them. But I do appreciate the fact that I manage to adjust my mood logically during the exam to focus on other questions and not swearing and cursing for not being able to rmb something I had just read. And worse, trying to recall it while ignoring the other questions. I know it's easy to say things like just move on to the next question, but sometime ego tries to play you down. It just force you to think about that particular question. I had experienced that in my previous exam and cause me to be unable to finish quite a no. of mcq.  Luckily this had not happened this time round but I am really a bit scared of the grade as the part I forgot was like a free frag q to anyone else.

Just hope that it wont pull down my grades. Hmm I wonder how long I will take to start preparing for my next exam.

It's always sweet initially. What happens when you are in it for sometime (a few years)? Now I realised the meaning of commitment and why it is always the no. one reason in any books or guides for a marriage. I believe almost 98% of all rs will come to a stagnant stage. Eventually, it will be how much one is willing to put in to sustain the rs. But it is saddening to feel that the other party is not appreciating the effort or he or she is not really concern about it. The worst case is that he or she have completely lost interest in it. Sometime it is really easy to make someone rmb a rs forever, just break up during the climax point and he or she will always rmb how gd the rs was while getting tired in his or her current chemistry lacking, boring long term rs. 

But it is really hard to sustain a rs if you feel that the other party is not putting in effort, of coz may be it's you yourself to be blamed for not being able to achieve the attributes that the other party values. But if not, the other party is simply selfish and lazy. Probably it's time to move on. If a couple cannot overcome this, I am doubting if the marriage is going to work out. If someone is so focused on something, such as his or her career, and neglecting everything else, I'm pretty sure he will succeed in his career and loses everything else. I know it's hard to juggle everything but timing is so important, if you miss it you will regret it. No doubt that your parents may be your parents forever but they will get old and eventually die before you finally have time to spend with them. Your wife, gf, friends can leave you anytime. Your company can fire you anytime no matter how capable you are in order for it to survive a crisis. To cut the story short, it's definitely true that you CAN'T get the best out of everything! Secure the next best or the one after so that you will have nice edible fruits in your basket without any rotten ones! Life's aint simple afterall. And it's definitely not science as well. 1+1 never equals to 2! It's an art and only those who is able to comprehend it will live life to the fullest!    

I set my alarm clock to sound off at 9 am with the thought that I wont be able to wake up as usual. I had failed a few times previously while trying to do that as my sleeping time was 3-4am. What's worse was that I wasnt able to sleep the whole night. So I am practically closing my eye until I heard a loud knock and my small sis shouting at my sister at 8am. I was like what the hell, I cant even close my eyes another another hour. My head was still spinning when I opened my door to see my sister lying unconscious right in front of my door step. She was pale and my dad quickly grabbed her up and she was placed on the sofa. Feeling lost, the only thing I can do is to switch on my com to google for help since it's damn early and I think everyone is busy preparing for school or work. Got the basic information and we let her rest on the sofa with the legs raised. The whole concept is to make the person's heart aligned to the brain so as to allow the blood to be pump with more ease to the brain. Its probably due to low blood pressure or whatever. But it's okay, she did wake up. Watch this video if you wanna know what to do when someone just fainted or recovering from a faint.

After finding out from my small sis then I realised she fainted and fell like a pencil falling from from its tip. Lucky she hit the stepping exercise equipment which has some cushioning effect and not directly on the hard marble floor. I had fell and hit my inner knee cap with my whole body weight while (being a smart alec) trying to practise a taekwondo kick at home (I didnt manage to obtain anything further than a yellow belt as I had over exert myself) thats not within my limited flexibility and ability.

Side track a bit on my taekwondo since I suddenly talk about it and I think it should be jotted down before I forgot about it totally..I was heading to the chinese physician almost every week after attending the taekwondo classes. It was due to overstraining of my pelvis but due to my stubbornness, I endure through and got a yellow belt (I was like thinking just hack and get a blue or red belt first). But soon after another few sessions of training, something scary happened. I can still rmb vividly that I was having a chemistry remedial class on a saturday during my secondary school days. After it ended, I realised I cant feel my right leg at all. I cant even stand up with my left leg as it was also weak probably due to the repeated straining for the past 3 mths of taekwondo classes. BL was beside me and he thought I was joking initially that I can't stand up. When everyone had left, I struggled with BL's help to the school gate to take a cab back to boon lay to see the chinese physician. I was damn scared that time lol, It's really scary that you found urself unable to your limbs. He diagnosed it and said that "I had hurt my "jing" very badly" then got to rest for a long period. So from then on, I stopped taekwondo unwillingly and I had no PE for like 3 mths or so. 

Okay back to the faint. She had no fever and was feeling tired so we let her take a rest on her bed. Then I went to sms RY and XJ (since they are both nurses to get more advice) while googling for more info. 1/2 hr later, my dad asked her to have breakfast. After finishing her breakfast my dad called me again, she faint again but lucky this time my dad held on to her. We brought her back to her bed and she continue to rest with her legs raised. Then I was like thinking, I also have those 1 second moment of feeling like fainting for the past few weeks, what will happen if that happen to me when I was riding. Damn worried abt her and myself. Anyway to cut the story short, she started to have fever in the afternoon and doctor said that she got an viral infection so that's about it.

Those who are reading this, take a moment to read this so that you know what to do when u are going to faint. Dont be like my sis who tried to hold on to the pillar, that is suicide as you gonna fall like a pencil. Alright now is 1.23am, I will try to sleep and wake up early tmr to study instead.

My FYP is really in the red zone. I've to admit nothing works. I may look calm but I know something must be wrong when I can't sleep every night. I may be anxious often to get things done but probably nothing can make me "gan chiong" ever since I tried forex. I've not met anything that beats the psychological stress cause by forex. Close-death experiences are exceptions though.
 
I've been telling myself my experiments will work out as long as I put in all efforts but it is getting demoralizing as days go. I wonder will this cause me to fail my honours year. I know life's not fair and I always use this to push myself forward. Despite having 5 out of 7 days being the last to leave the lab (maybe cus I have a bike and therefore I can stay till 1-2am or even later), trying to squeeze in time to do whatever I can to complete all the experiments intended to, almost completely cut off from leisure activities, it will be 100% if there's no birthday celebrations, stretch to the extend to "pa tor" in school by doing work and having meals in near by dining places (but got to admit, it's cheap and affordable with my small part time income).

Unbelievably, 5 months have pass since I stepped into the lab, nothing major works. If I have the money, I dont mind repeat the honours year but is it worth it if it's just due to unsuccessful experiments? I'm pretty sure there's someone who is having or had such situation. I hope things will change but I probably gonna do badly for my FYP due to the amount of time left. I just hope that wont pull down my borderline CAP. 

Alright I'm done with my complains and now I've got to "reset" myself to start working again. I hope I will sleep at least 3hrs. Tomorrow will be a better day no matter what. Those who are in the same boat as me, life's nv fair, when you have an aim, just do it to the last moment with no regrets!  

I know its kinda lame to talk abt this but since I was wasting time waiting for public transport, I thought it would be gd to try blogging with my mobile hp (for the first time too).

During nonpeak period it took 3x more for me to reach sch. I cant imagine jow long it will take for me to reach my workplace tmr morning. I've heard people talking abt how bad the mrt service had become etc. Hopefully its nt that bad tmr.

After taking pt for a few trips then i re-realised how impt is the public transport to the mobile gadget companies. it was really unbearable doing nth on the train or bus.

no doubt you can do some readings while taking pt but i still prefer waking up late and travel home fast via a two-wheel. i guess i will nv be able to live in sg without a bike in my life time. Thats because a car is really useless during peak hrs, a gd runner can probably be as fast or faster than the car crawling along AYE in the usual morning jam!

now i just hope the bike will be repaired by thurs!

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Finally finished my presentation. Haven been sleeping much lately, come to think of it i think probably it's for months already. Suddenly feel that life was really tiring haha. Even she felt it tt way. But then life's like that, after getting all tired doing something, the completion of the task is usually rewarding. I guess everyone is just not satisfied in what ever scenario they are in.

After the presentation, my body just dont feel like doing anything else since I had only slept for 2 hrs. And the reason for that was I was so engrossed in my readingsand the urge to find out more and more and more had pushed me to such extreme. I hate it as it is sucking out my life but at the same time I feel good of knowing more. Life's really contradicting isnt it?

As I was saying, after my presentation, I could really feel the fatigue. Muscles and eyelids are twitching, head is slightly spinning but then when I rmb that I had to complete my work at my workplace, my body just move on its own, I really hope this will not cause any health implications in the future. I dont know if it's because I'm a boring person or a workaholic or I just like to experiment stuffs. When ever something needs to be studied and experiment on, my body just naturally wants to do it in order to fulfil the curiosity. Even for a small or boring experiment that no one bothers to do, I will be keen to do it and if there's any problem, I will be naturally interested to troubleshoot it.

May be that's the satisfaction that I thirst for in life. One step closer in understanding myself. FYP is starting to get on track but it's still not what I wanted it to be, hopefully can finish the tasks set asap so I can move on to other parts to fulfill my curiosity of the molecule that I'm working on. I also hope that the work I'm doing for my workplace will be useful for my bosses but this week was really too packed for me to dig out more information or try to make sense out of the things I digged to form some strategies.